ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
