Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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