The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
