I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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