I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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