at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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