Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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