she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
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And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
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Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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