just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
