Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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