those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
