Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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