When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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