You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
