you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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