Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
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