:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
