I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
