halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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