Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
