she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
"it" just moved
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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