whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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