My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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