so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
