shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
