Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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