We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
