Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
