fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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