I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
