I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
porn star boner night. come get it.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
