Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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