Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
