your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
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i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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