My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
