I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'd cum for enchiladas.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
