bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
