No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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