Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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