Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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