one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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