I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I want her autograph on my taint
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
