I can't watch pbs sober anymore
barbara walters just said penis...
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
