I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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