filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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