I don't usually arrange sex via text message
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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