there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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