and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
