Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I need water and some morals
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
