Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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