I can't breathe out the right side of my face
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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