It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
