Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
