3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
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At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
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Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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