So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
