White coat. Heels.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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