I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
