If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
