Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
